"Pain is a Gift"

These four words made my world come crashing down around me during Stake Conference, a regional church meeting. The speaker said these words, "pain is a gift," and it shattered my reality. I have constant pain. Pain that makes me incapable of moving somedays and bawling in the fetal position on the other days. In the very least, my pain is the dull aching reminder at the end of the day that I can't ever forget. How is this supposed to be a gift?! 

I understand that the speaker was making a great analogy between pain and the Gospel. It went something like this: leprosy is a disease where the pain nerves die off. So the reason that lepers look diseased or like their skin will fall off is because they can't feel pain to take care of their body. So pain is good to let people know that they need help to take care of their body. So pain of guilt or shame or sorrow in a way is something that is good because it promotes us to seek healing. And preferably the healing will come from the one true balm, our Savior Jesus Christ. 

But my pain never stops. It's hard. And very few, other than Christ, understand. I guess my pain is a gift: A very serious and very real push towards my Savior.

#CESDEVO

First off, I was on my mission when the whole hashtags thing became popular. I had never heard about Twitter and such until I returned home from New England. Then I find out it's all the rage and I don't see the point of it and try to ignore the tic-tac-toe board lookin thing on all the social media. I thought I was doing pretty good at this avoidance until the CES (Church Education System) fireside/devotional tonight. 

As I'm sitting on the couch watching sister Linda K Burton on the TV teach about the gospel of Jesus Christ, she instructs all that are in attendance or watching via satellite to post on Twitter! But alas I don't have a twitter account. So I decided that my blog was the next best thing:) 

She asked us all to write how we know we have felt the spirit of God. Here's mine: 

When I feel empowered. My body pulses with energy. I am given strength I know is not my own. My heart feels like it's overflowing with joy and doesn't feel big enough to be contained on my body. My mind becomes clear and focused. I am content. 

Sister Burton explained how feeling and recognizing and discerning the promotings of the Spirit of God is like learning another language. I agree:) but the grammar is a lot easier than English. Here's the link to watch her full devotional it's pretty good: https://www.lds.org/broadcasts/ces-devotionals

Nail Polish and Vermont Maple Syrup

This weekend I was asked to choose two items that described me and explain why. It was very spur of the moment and didn't give me much time to think. I chose nail polish and Vermont maple syrup. Now before you think I'm vain and all about food, let me explain why. 

Nail Polish: When growing up I used to bite my nails all the time. Do much so that they would be bloody and scabby very often. My parents had many attempts at getting me to quit. None worked. I'm pretty stubborn:) One day my Grandma held my hands and looked them over, well, more like studied them. She simply states that my hands are beautiful. Then says they'd be more beautiful if I didn't bite my nails. From then on I stopped bitting in my nails. That's what began me painting my nails. In high school everyday was a different color on my nails. 

It's also a symbol of my hands. I can create with my hands. I make lace, cakes, paleo meals, quilts, clothes, language, and fun hair do's with my hands. I can serve and be the hands of God. I try to do the best I can and be someone that God can use for good:)

Vermont Maple Syrup: A wonderful discovery made while on my mission in the New Hampshire Manchester mission. It's real! I will never eat the knockoff nasty wanna-be syrup again. So naturally I have spent the necessary money to supplement my cravings and buy Vermont Maple Syrup now that I'm no longer in the New England area. 

It has become a symbol of my missionary service and sacrifice I have made for a year and a half. All the sweet memories I made during that time are very precious to me and worth so much!

The way that maple syrup is harvested is a great metaphor for the Gospel of Jesus Christ and gaining a testimony. The syrup is produced after extremely cold temperature differences that freeze and thaw everyday. Life is up and down all the time with trials and times of peace. When the sap is collected it is boiled down, over a refiners fire. Just like that we are refined and the excess unneeded junk is evaporated away and we are left with the sweetest syrup. We become our best selves with the help of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. 

That is why nail polish and Vermont maple syrup are a pretty good description of me:)

An Enlightening Weekend

This weekend was enlightening on two fronts: spiritual and physical. Let's begin with the spiritual side of things-- General Conference. 10 hours jam packed full of spiritual guidance and uplifting talks by the living Prophet of God and The Lord's servants and Apostles. Best Ever!

I have been looking forward to this weekend for a while! I asked my Dad to try and get me tickets to actually be seated in the conference center during one of the sessions.  But there weren't any tickets available for me and my three siblings. This is where God intervened and orchestrated several miracles. My roommate ended up not needing or being able to use four tickets to the Saturday Afternoon session. That's just enough tickets for me and my three siblings that we're going to be together. She gave me the tickets!! We scrambled to dress in our Sunday best and headed out the door to the conference center. As we were leaving I ran into a neighbor that was in need of a ride to the conference center. We had one seat left! She joined us and it was so great!!!! Such a tender mercy for all of us:) AND while we were waiting to get in the doors we ran into my uncle! Hadn't seen him in years. Isn't The Lord great?!!

Second is the physical side. I decided since my family was around I wasn't going to be much of a stickler with eating super healthy. I indulged in a milk shake, burgers, ton of breads, and not enough water. As a result my body revolted. Not right away though. I was losing energy at a steady rate and my body was getting sluggish. By Sunday night I am whooped. And I haven't done much other than watch Conference! Usually this would frustrate me, but I know the cause and it's alright. I will readjust my eating habits and gain more energy over the next few days. This is a huge blessing because in a few weeks I'll be with a lot of family and friends for Thanksgiving week and will need to be vigilant with obeying the laws of health for my body to have enough energy!! I thank my God for helping me realize my sensitivity to varying my eating habits now instead of then! It could've been disastrous if I didn't find out before that week. 

Remembering who I am

I've been thinking about the time I spent on my mission lately. All my companions I spent 24/7 with. The companions I became best friends with. The companions I struggled to get along with. The people I spent hours with teaching them about Jesus Christ and the love He has for each of us. The service projects I did at the soup kitchens, the libraries, hurricane clean up, individuals homes and random acts of kindness.

Now I'm reflecting on my life right now and wondering if I'm doing good works still. Maybe this is just because I'm a girl, but I'm wondering if I'm good enough, because I'm not doing as much good. I'm wondering what I'm worth now that I'm not a missionary. As a missionary I did so much good it was easy to see myself as important and needed, but now it's harder. I am not serving The Lord 100% of the time, like I did on the mission. I get down in the dumps, emotionally. Then I'm reminded by the sweet spirit of The Lord that I am worth it. Christ suffered and died so I can live now and return to live with my Father in Heaven after this life. What a sweet reminder! I love Jesus Christ so much! I love my Father in Heaven so much!!

Every time I feel down, I know where I can turn to find peace and joy: through prayer and scripture study to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Even though I'm not serving 100% of the time I still look out for opportunities to share the sweet teachings, or doctrines, of Christ with others. I love my roommates and serve them by doing the dishes, picking up the apartment, making their bed, fixing them a meal, or being a friendly ear to listen or a shoulder to lean on. 

God reminds me it's good to serve others and love one another, but that I am worth it simply because I'm His daughter. I am a daughter of God. Just like you are a son or daughter of the Most High God. He loves each of us a ton!! He delights in our righteousness and sorrows in our sinning. There is no difference in worth between me now and when I was a missionary. I'm still His daughter. I'm still good. :) 

This understanding took a long time for me to get at. Questioning our worth is a normal thing. BUT denying ourselves the love and worth that God bestows to us is bad. Remembering who I am, that I am a daughter of God helps me on those rough days:) 

Before I would leave the house as a young girl my father always would say, "remember who you are." At the time I new my family name and what it meant to our family. I couldn't disgrace it! I was also my father's daughter and he loved me deeply and didn't want me getting into trouble, and I didn't want to disappoint him. And I also know I'm a daughter of God. So I need to act as such, with love and humility. This reminder helps me to turn to my God to receive the peace and comfort I need. 

It is so great!! I know who I am!!! I know why I'm here on this Earth. I know where I'm going after this life. All because of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.