In a Fog

I'm melting again. I can feel it. My brain just isn't working to its full potential. I can't remember even the simplest things! I am frustrated at myself. Saddened because I can't interact on a normal social level. My mind can't keep up with the conversations of my friends. I feel isolated. Alone. I try to explain to my friends what I'm going through but I can't form my thoughts in a timely enough manner to help them understand what I'm dealing with. It's even hard to type this up in a coherent way. 

It's hard to tell people what I'm going through because fibromyalgia is very misunderstood. It's the invisible disease. I try to come up with excuses that people would understand, and not give me a hard time for. So I feel alone and misunderstood  sometimes. If you don't have it or understand it let me enlighten you. Here's some of the symptoms to help you understand what I'm facing:

Yesterday is when my mind melted again, well started to. I was on the phone with my mom. She asked me a question and I couldn't answer her. It wasn't that I didn't know the answer, but I couldn't process what she was asking. She just asked how my day had been, and what I had been up to. I almost started crying because I felt so inadequate! I couldn't answer a simple question. 

In class today I continued to see my mind function sub-par. I offered a comment in class and my professor asked me a follow up question to expand my thinking. I couldn't process it! I knew what she was asking me to do but I couldn't do it!! I'm sure my face turned bright red. I was embarrassed. I wanted to hide. Ugh. 

I looked up fibromyalgia on webmd. The online know it all said this mind melting is affectionately called "fibro fog." It's real. It's not in my head. I'm not dumb or stupid. Just in a fog. I just need to take a break when I'm melting or in this fog. And then I slowly make up the difference when I'm not in the fog. That's when I'm more social and that's when I get my homework done. 

I'm learning to act in Faith. I really have to trust in God when this is happening:) and He never fails me! Even though today is one of the rough days, I'll have more better days over all! 

Friends Reunited

I had a pleasant surprise last night! One of my mission companions spent the night at my apartment:) And then we had a lovely dinner with our friend we met in New Hampshire.

We went out to dinner, and it felt so much like we were back in time as missionaries again! 

I trained this companion! And to see her now was amazing. She started her mission as a timid, shy, silent girl. And the woman she is now is sooo different! She's confident and holds a conversation with ease. It made my heart happy. 

While we were at Zuppas my companion went to get another drink she leaned over and said, "keep an eye on me. I'm getting more water." I chuckled, because as missionaries we have to stay within sight and hearing of each other:) haha, just like the good 'ol times. 

Flashback: Craig's Favorite Scripture

I was reading my scriptures and, not having any particular passage in mind I wanted to study, I was flipping pages. None caught my eye. Until I flipped to this page-

While I was on my mission I used these scriptures and marked them up. Page 201 in the Book of Mormon, Mosiah 27:29 was marked "Craig's fav. scripture- what he wants." 

Craig was a less-active man in one of the smaller congregations I served in. I can clearly remember the first day I met him:) His mother lived in the same trailer park as we did. We had gone to see her, and he happened to be outside working in his car without his shirt on. As soon as he saw us he apologized for not being properly dressed, invited us inside his mother's home and slipped his shirt back on. 

When we went inside, his mom (who we had met already and we're planning on teaching that day) was sitting on the couch. We all sat in the living room and began with a prayer. I then opened the scriptures to Mosiah 27:29. My companion shared the background information to the story. We then asked Craig to read the verse of scrupture. He began reading and tears ran down his cheeks. By the end of the verse he couldn't stop us tears from becoming as a waterfall. The spirit of The Lord was so strong in that room. My heart was bursting. 

As soon as Craig could speak again he looked me in the eye and said, "how'd you know that was my favorite scripture?" My reply, "I didn't know, but it seems like God knew it and knew you needed to hear it." As tears now freely flew down all of our faces Craig began describing why that scripture was his favorite and so close to his heart. He wanted to be 'snatched' from the devil. He wanted to be free of his sins. He felt hopelessly lost and inadequate so he didn't pray. He was afraid. 

We taught God's love for him. He was a son of God!!! And God wants to forgive him of his sins and 'snatch' him from his horrible situation in life. That afternoon was one of the most spiritual lessons I had had. 

We taught him a few times after that. Craig introduced me to Moxie, a drink typically found in Maine. He always put his shirt on when he saw us coming, and promptly took it off when we left. 

Those were good times in the small congregation in Maine:) 

An Enlightening Weekend

This weekend was enlightening on two fronts: spiritual and physical. Let's begin with the spiritual side of things-- General Conference. 10 hours jam packed full of spiritual guidance and uplifting talks by the living Prophet of God and The Lord's servants and Apostles. Best Ever!

I have been looking forward to this weekend for a while! I asked my Dad to try and get me tickets to actually be seated in the conference center during one of the sessions.  But there weren't any tickets available for me and my three siblings. This is where God intervened and orchestrated several miracles. My roommate ended up not needing or being able to use four tickets to the Saturday Afternoon session. That's just enough tickets for me and my three siblings that we're going to be together. She gave me the tickets!! We scrambled to dress in our Sunday best and headed out the door to the conference center. As we were leaving I ran into a neighbor that was in need of a ride to the conference center. We had one seat left! She joined us and it was so great!!!! Such a tender mercy for all of us:) AND while we were waiting to get in the doors we ran into my uncle! Hadn't seen him in years. Isn't The Lord great?!!

Second is the physical side. I decided since my family was around I wasn't going to be much of a stickler with eating super healthy. I indulged in a milk shake, burgers, ton of breads, and not enough water. As a result my body revolted. Not right away though. I was losing energy at a steady rate and my body was getting sluggish. By Sunday night I am whooped. And I haven't done much other than watch Conference! Usually this would frustrate me, but I know the cause and it's alright. I will readjust my eating habits and gain more energy over the next few days. This is a huge blessing because in a few weeks I'll be with a lot of family and friends for Thanksgiving week and will need to be vigilant with obeying the laws of health for my body to have enough energy!! I thank my God for helping me realize my sensitivity to varying my eating habits now instead of then! It could've been disastrous if I didn't find out before that week. 

'Melting'

I started melting today. At least that's what I call it: 'melting'. My body weakens. My joints ache. My mind blurs. And my energy is zapped away little by little. I close my eyes (because I'm blinking) and it takes real effort to reopen them. And even more effort to focus on anything.

If I catch myself beginning to melt I immediately sit down if I'm not already. I learned this, by trial and error, earlier this semester of school. I thought I was just light headed and could just 'push through it' and walk to class no problem. Well. I made it to the classroom fine. But not to my seat. I fainted.  On the stairs in the stadium-like-seating in my classroom. One word to sum up that experience: EMBARRASSING. 

The scene of the incident. 

It was only for a moment and I was even able to catch myself before I face planted it on the stairs below me. But I was mortified. I think of all the things that could've happened! I could have blacked out for longer and face planted all the stairs on my way down. I could have gotten a concussion. I could've broken an arm or leg. What if this happened when and where there was no one else around? I could've sustained some serious injuries!! That night I thanked God that it wasn't a horrible outcome. And I'm now a lot more cautious when I get these 'melting' feelings. 

I sit until I have regained enough energy to make it to the next destination. Today I sat several times. But I didn't faint:) and I wasn't late to any classes or meetings for work. That's several blessings I'm thankful for today. And I got free pizza for dinner. That's always a plus too!! 

Reversed Homesickness

I want to be back in New England! When I was there I loathed the large amounts of snow and cold weather. I just saw a Doris Day movie with snow in it... I got super homesick for New England. There are beautiful colored leaves in the Fall and shimmering isicles hanging from the trees in the Winter. I'm pretty sure you can ask anyone that knows me and they'll tell you how much I hate the cold, but this time of year in New England is my favorite. My heart is yearning to be there!!

I would think I should be normal and yearn for my real home down in Texas, but instead I'm yearning for the country I spent a year and a half in. A place I never stayed very long in one home. I want so very much to back and visit. Maybe even live there. Today I miss it terribly. 

Well. I just spent time outside. It's chilly. In the 40's. I was freezing!!!!! And so I'm reminded that I dislike the cold and should be happy where I'm at!

This is the mountain I live next to... Snow on it already. Icky. Haha, I should go shopping for cute winter clothes:)

Remembering who I am

I've been thinking about the time I spent on my mission lately. All my companions I spent 24/7 with. The companions I became best friends with. The companions I struggled to get along with. The people I spent hours with teaching them about Jesus Christ and the love He has for each of us. The service projects I did at the soup kitchens, the libraries, hurricane clean up, individuals homes and random acts of kindness.

Now I'm reflecting on my life right now and wondering if I'm doing good works still. Maybe this is just because I'm a girl, but I'm wondering if I'm good enough, because I'm not doing as much good. I'm wondering what I'm worth now that I'm not a missionary. As a missionary I did so much good it was easy to see myself as important and needed, but now it's harder. I am not serving The Lord 100% of the time, like I did on the mission. I get down in the dumps, emotionally. Then I'm reminded by the sweet spirit of The Lord that I am worth it. Christ suffered and died so I can live now and return to live with my Father in Heaven after this life. What a sweet reminder! I love Jesus Christ so much! I love my Father in Heaven so much!!

Every time I feel down, I know where I can turn to find peace and joy: through prayer and scripture study to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Even though I'm not serving 100% of the time I still look out for opportunities to share the sweet teachings, or doctrines, of Christ with others. I love my roommates and serve them by doing the dishes, picking up the apartment, making their bed, fixing them a meal, or being a friendly ear to listen or a shoulder to lean on. 

God reminds me it's good to serve others and love one another, but that I am worth it simply because I'm His daughter. I am a daughter of God. Just like you are a son or daughter of the Most High God. He loves each of us a ton!! He delights in our righteousness and sorrows in our sinning. There is no difference in worth between me now and when I was a missionary. I'm still His daughter. I'm still good. :) 

This understanding took a long time for me to get at. Questioning our worth is a normal thing. BUT denying ourselves the love and worth that God bestows to us is bad. Remembering who I am, that I am a daughter of God helps me on those rough days:) 

Before I would leave the house as a young girl my father always would say, "remember who you are." At the time I new my family name and what it meant to our family. I couldn't disgrace it! I was also my father's daughter and he loved me deeply and didn't want me getting into trouble, and I didn't want to disappoint him. And I also know I'm a daughter of God. So I need to act as such, with love and humility. This reminder helps me to turn to my God to receive the peace and comfort I need. 

It is so great!! I know who I am!!! I know why I'm here on this Earth. I know where I'm going after this life. All because of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.