Flashback: Hospital

I was being a good friend this past week. Me and my best friend and her boyfriend went to the hospital to bring joy to a mutual friend who was just getting out of surgery. (Wow, that's a lot if friends.) We found the elevator and went to the sixth floor. As we stood around his bed and joked around with him and his parents my head became clouded. My ears and the back of my neck felt extremely hot. I felt myself slipping into unconsciousness. I was about to faint. I'm sure my face went pale and my eyes had a glazed look. 

I fought it! and was able to stay conscious. No fainting that day! It was sad how fast it came on and there weren't any warning signs that I was about to have this struggle for consciousness. I guess it's all in the joys of my life with Fibromyalgia. But it might also be that was the first time I had been in a hospital since my mission. 

The most traumatic three weeks of my mission revolved around a companion being sick and going to the hospital. Here's an excerpt from a letter home after those weeks: 

"Wednesday, two weeks ago, we called the doctor to set up an appointment for Sis. Xxxxxx to get her mouth checked out. She had a mouth sore that was giving her trouble. Thursday she started getting headaches, not feeling so good, and tired even with a full nights rest. But we kept working:) Friday we saw the doctor. Two infections in her mouth, got antibiotics, and went on our merry way. Saturday she could walk, but had to have assistance a little bit, and her headache worsened. We weren't able to do much work. Sunday more weak she couldn't stand on her own, and horrible headaches. We only went to church. Monday she pushed herself, hard to walk and do things on her own. we went shopping and ate out. By 6 in the evening she couldn't stand on her own. She was exhausted. Tuesday morning she was dependent on me to help her stand or walk. That was our first trip to the ER. They said she was dehydrated, needed fluids and was given a different antibiotic. The Zone Leaders came and gave her a blessing and sang to us. We were back home the same day. Wednesday she was the same, but by Wednesday night she couldn't sit up on her own. And everytime she stood she began to pass out. I fully supported as she made the trip to the bathroom and back to the bed. One of the members was really nice and brought over a walker for her to use so I didn't have to fully support her anymore. Thursday morning no improvement, in fact more weak-- she began passing out when she sat up only for a second or so. Not very long but enough to worry me, and her left side of her body was numb. Back to the ER.  The District Leader and the Zone Leaders joined us this time and gave her another blessing. The tentative diagnosis was Guillian-barre' Syndrome. She was admitted to the ICU for observation. That room was full of fear and anxiety. At 11:45pm I called the Wilkey's. Pres. Wilkey sang a song to s. Windley and the fear and anxiety left. We slept in peace and calm. 

"Friday morning we saw the doctors and nurses on parade. No one had much of anything intelligent to say, and then she was wisked away to get an MRI. We moved rooms to the 6th floor to continue treatment for Guillian-barre' Syndrome. We decided that it should be called Green jello disease. Our reasoning is that she's from Utah and everyone has jello there. But she's turning into green jello now, so weak her legs won't support her. The Zone Leaders brought us a fun package of toys and Ensigns to pass the time. Throughout Friday she continues to get weaker, and both legs are beginning to get numb now, not just her left side. Friday night her hands were numb and tingly. The Zone Leaders brought us Pizza for dinner and we had a fun time eating and laughing. She had a headache the entire time, and no medicine had been able to dull it at all. Saturday morning she awoke in pain. Extreme pain. So painful to watch her have the pain. She was gasping for breathe and couldn't move any part of her body without more pain. I rang the nurse and told her she was having trouble breathing. More pain medicine, a breathing test, nurses in and out, this lasted for about 5 hours. Between gasps of air, she asked me if she was going to die. I told her no-- she was too much of a fighter. She desperately asked for the Zone Leaders to come and help her. I called them up. Between tears I think they understood me clear enough to know that she wasn't doing well, and should come ASAP. They were there in an hour and comforted both of us. I got a priesthood blessing this time, and an added boost of strength. 

"Pres. and Sis. Wilkey started on their way up to Maine on Saturday afternoon. They were bringing Sis. Rykowski with them to help out with the area, and taking care of Sis. Windley. They arrived Saturday night, and were a very welcome sight after the hard morning. I was promptly sent to go shopping with sis. Rykowski and Pres. Wilkey to get good healthy food, then go to sleep in a bed instead of a hospital chair. Sis. Wilkey stayed the night with Sis. Windley. I was given strict orders to not use an alarm clock. I had a restless night and got a bit of my physical tired gone. On Sunday we could only attend the last hour of church because we slept in (as ordered). So we went to the Hospital to get the Sacrament when we were ready cause they were giving sis. Windley the sacrament there. It was a sweet meeting with the Elders administering it to us, and we all bore our testimonies. It was sweet. Nothing eventful that evening. Me and Sis. Rykowski went home to sleep and got up early to be at the hospital by 7:30am Monday. She was discharged from the Hospital and then we went home. 

"Still weak and exhausted no matter how much she rested. Numb and tingly all over now. Tuesday we found out she was going home. Wednesday we packed. Thursday we packed more, and picked up Sis. Windley's mom from the airport. Friday they flew home to Utah." 

So maybe the hospitals are just too tender to experience. It's been about a year and a half since that time, but still too soon to forget. 

Too Cold for Comfort

My body is sensitive to the cold. Originally I found this out while on my mission and attributed it to being in New England as a Texan. I went home to Texas and loved being in the warm weather all summer. I was thawed out:) Then moving to up to College I am extremely cold. And the weather is forecasted to be in the 60s. Now it's in the 40s and 50s. It is freezing!! And when it's freezing my joints are stiffening and I have more pain when I move. 

I'm trying new techniques to keep warm and downplay the stiffness and pain. Here's a few of the keepers:

1. An electric blanket. Best invention! I keep it on my bed and turn it on before I climb under the covers. It helps me relax and not freeze while I'm sleeping. 

2. Warm baths. I have begun making it a habit to soak for a bit on the hard days to help loosen up my body. I try to do this before sleeping if I'm pretty stiff or in the mornings if I know I will need a lot from my body that day. 

3. Hot pumpkin spice milk or hot apple cider. A really good tasty way to warm up my insides:) I usually have one of these when I get back home from classes. 

4. Wear a hat. I have begun styling a warm knitted hat around the house. It is so nice to keep me warm, and it's kinda funny lookin' wearing such a warm hat indoors. Thank goodness for my siblings who knitted my warm hat for me while I was on my mission... And I still use it:) 

I feel kind of silly with how cold I am. There is snow in the mountains but not in the ground. Oh well. I'm cold and I'm dealing with it:) haha it'll get interesting when it really starts snowing and gets super cold.  

Dancing in Costume

I was not going to the dance. I had wanted to earlier in the week but hadn't written my paper yet and really needed to do homework. But as you can see... I gave in to peer pressure and went to the dance anyways. 

These are me and a few friends at the dance. I threw together a costume in a few minutes and went as pippi long stocking. Braids sticking out of my head, and mismatched knee high socks were all I needed:) I learned the polka and was swept off my feet by a pirate and 'where's Waldo'. 

Being recently back from my mission I was a bit freaked out by the music choice, dance moves and boys. I have been back for about six months but still have to motivate myself to be social and participate in normal social events. I feel like I am not normal. I'm having to find a new normal. I'm not who I was before the mission. Nor am I the person I became on my mission. I am still different, having to put into the equation that I am also having to deal with chronic pain and fatigue makes finding this new normal difficult. BUT NOT IMPOSSIBLE!! 

I am finding this new normal slowly but surely. I had fun at the dance. I didn't freak out when boys asked me too dance. That's a step in the right direction. I soaked in a warm tub and wrapped myself in an electric blanket to make sure my muscles didn't give me too much pain after dancing. That's also a step in the right direction:)

Such a good Weekend!

This past weekend was great! I woke up Saturday. Stretched out my body and crept/fell/slunk out of bed:) I got ready for the day, dressed in my best clothes, and walked to the testing center on campus. I took a few sits on the way to rest up. I eventually got there and took my test. 

The first page if the test I didn't know what the questions were asking. At all. I had no clue. This darn fibro fog. I prayed in my heart for the studying I did to pay off and help me. I started again. God helped me reason through the questions and remember the material I studied. I knew God was helping me out! In the end I looked at my score and got a 92%!! I got this grade with the love and help of Heavenly Father. 

From the testing center I walked to the temple:) I spent the next five hours there relaxing and loving the peace that is there. 

I over did the physical exertion on Saturday with all the walking. And had to take it easier on Sunday. But that's all part of me figuring out my balance:) 

Monday God was merciful as I was climbing the deadly stairs to class: 

Because at the top of the stairs were beautiful fall leaves!!! Even though my legs were shaky and I was out of breath. Oh it made my day:)

Nature is a thing of beauty. The visiting teaching message for this month is all about how Christ is the supreme creator. And how He and Heavenly Father worked in tandum to make me happy:) I'm convinced when they were making this World they were thinking of me when they had these trees change colors beautifully during this Fall, perfectly timed for when I walked up the stairs. 

From the help in the testing center to the beautiful trees on campus to the peace in the temple, I love the how much The Lord loves me! 

Studying and Cleaning

I am sore all over. My muscles ache. My neck strains to hold my head up. My joints are sore. My mind won't work in the ways I want it to. Studying is so hard. I have several tests coming up and studying for them is so hard. I can't study. I can read and read and read but not get anything out of it. I can't remember what I just read over and over again for the last several days. It's so frustrating! BUT I'm really good with the application of the knowledge that does get into my foggy mind:) it's the getting past the fog and into my brain that is the tricky part;). 

So, lately, I decided to find new ways of studying. It hasn't worked very well yet, but I'm outlining the chapters I'm reading. I still can't remember, and my hand is more sore now. Not really sure how good that new strategy is. So I am planning on changing my approach and just reading the main points and summaries in the back of the chapters then doing the review questions. Hopefully this proves beneficial. I only have a few days before my next test! 

On top of this, my apartment just had cleaning checks. Wahoo! We passed with flying colors of course and are even in the running for the grand prize: caramel brownies. It goes to the cleanest apartment. I hope ours wins. :) we definitely spent enough time last night cleaning to qualify for it. 

This is a group of friends cleaning the clubhouse:

 

We tend to have fun cleaning parties. 

Ps. we got the brownies:)

Flashback: My Symptoms Began

Let me set the scene for you... My second to last transfer as a full-time missionary. Only a five week long transfer. I was training. We opened a new area that hadn't had missionaries living there in over 25 years. Nothing in the area book. Lots of getting to know the people. Mid February. Snow still on the ground. 

I was moody. Getting out of bed, which had not been hard my entire mission, was now near impossible. I would be awake in my mind but couldn't open my eyes or move my body. I couldn't speak. I thought I was dieing when that happened. It happened whenever I dropped off for a short nap or waking up for the morning. I was terrified of sleeping. But this was a catch 22, I couldn't stay awake! I was so fearful. 

But I was a missionary! I had to get up. I had to excersize. I had to study. I had to go out and teach people. But my body had shut down. I'm pretty sure I was a depressed because we ended up staying inside for more than any good missionary can stand. We missionaries like to be out of the apartment as much as possible among the children of God, serving them. 

I called my mission president's wife and told her what was going on. I went to a doctor, and was told to just get more rest, I had burnt myself out with all the missionary service I had done already. That seemed plausible, but the next three days I slept and relaxed with no improvement. In fact it was getting worse. I had blood work done. I was picture perfect healthy, but may be getting over having mono. Mono?! Really!? I'm a missionary. I shouldn't have the kissing virus! Impossible. That couldn't be it. Again I was told to rest up and that I'll be fine. 

It got worse. Within three weeks of beginning to go downhill, I was a complete wreck. I got priesthood blessings. All of them told me I'd be strengthened. What I really wanted was to be cured so I could back to missionary work again. 

In the fourth week I got a call from my mission president asking if I felt it was time to go home- a transfer earlier than scheduled. I cried. All I wanted was to be healthy and serve The Lord. I only had one more transfer!! Couldn't The Lord make me healthy enough for one more transfer?! Then I could be as sick as a dog, I wouldn't care. But the spiritual witness was extremely strong during that phone call, and I can't deny the answer. I was to finish my mission a transfer earlier than planned. I cried. 

My parents were notified. A week later I flew home. I had a very nice gentleman escort me around the airport in a wheelchair. Walking was just too much. But I couldn't let the first time my family see me in a year and a half be in a wheelchair, so I forced myself to walk the last leg if the terminal. That same determination pushed me through the hard days that followed. But that is for another post:) 

Mission Reunion

Today is the day!!! I have a mission reunion!!! I'm so excited to see everyone again!!! Here's some pictures from tonight:)

Sister Robbins and me

Elder Chen and me

Me and Sister Peterson

Sister Muir and me

Sister Wilkey and me

Me and President Wilkey

The greatest centerpiece:) me and my trainer Sister Bond decorated this pig about two years ago when we first got to Concord, NH. 

Best night ever! I love seeing everyone. And being able to have the spirit of being with people that have served together in a good cause is so great. I love being a missionary!!! I loved getting several hugs from President Wilkey :) best ever!! 

In a Fog

I'm melting again. I can feel it. My brain just isn't working to its full potential. I can't remember even the simplest things! I am frustrated at myself. Saddened because I can't interact on a normal social level. My mind can't keep up with the conversations of my friends. I feel isolated. Alone. I try to explain to my friends what I'm going through but I can't form my thoughts in a timely enough manner to help them understand what I'm dealing with. It's even hard to type this up in a coherent way. 

It's hard to tell people what I'm going through because fibromyalgia is very misunderstood. It's the invisible disease. I try to come up with excuses that people would understand, and not give me a hard time for. So I feel alone and misunderstood  sometimes. If you don't have it or understand it let me enlighten you. Here's some of the symptoms to help you understand what I'm facing:

Yesterday is when my mind melted again, well started to. I was on the phone with my mom. She asked me a question and I couldn't answer her. It wasn't that I didn't know the answer, but I couldn't process what she was asking. She just asked how my day had been, and what I had been up to. I almost started crying because I felt so inadequate! I couldn't answer a simple question. 

In class today I continued to see my mind function sub-par. I offered a comment in class and my professor asked me a follow up question to expand my thinking. I couldn't process it! I knew what she was asking me to do but I couldn't do it!! I'm sure my face turned bright red. I was embarrassed. I wanted to hide. Ugh. 

I looked up fibromyalgia on webmd. The online know it all said this mind melting is affectionately called "fibro fog." It's real. It's not in my head. I'm not dumb or stupid. Just in a fog. I just need to take a break when I'm melting or in this fog. And then I slowly make up the difference when I'm not in the fog. That's when I'm more social and that's when I get my homework done. 

I'm learning to act in Faith. I really have to trust in God when this is happening:) and He never fails me! Even though today is one of the rough days, I'll have more better days over all! 

Friends Reunited

I had a pleasant surprise last night! One of my mission companions spent the night at my apartment:) And then we had a lovely dinner with our friend we met in New Hampshire.

We went out to dinner, and it felt so much like we were back in time as missionaries again! 

I trained this companion! And to see her now was amazing. She started her mission as a timid, shy, silent girl. And the woman she is now is sooo different! She's confident and holds a conversation with ease. It made my heart happy. 

While we were at Zuppas my companion went to get another drink she leaned over and said, "keep an eye on me. I'm getting more water." I chuckled, because as missionaries we have to stay within sight and hearing of each other:) haha, just like the good 'ol times. 

Flashback: Craig's Favorite Scripture

I was reading my scriptures and, not having any particular passage in mind I wanted to study, I was flipping pages. None caught my eye. Until I flipped to this page-

While I was on my mission I used these scriptures and marked them up. Page 201 in the Book of Mormon, Mosiah 27:29 was marked "Craig's fav. scripture- what he wants." 

Craig was a less-active man in one of the smaller congregations I served in. I can clearly remember the first day I met him:) His mother lived in the same trailer park as we did. We had gone to see her, and he happened to be outside working in his car without his shirt on. As soon as he saw us he apologized for not being properly dressed, invited us inside his mother's home and slipped his shirt back on. 

When we went inside, his mom (who we had met already and we're planning on teaching that day) was sitting on the couch. We all sat in the living room and began with a prayer. I then opened the scriptures to Mosiah 27:29. My companion shared the background information to the story. We then asked Craig to read the verse of scrupture. He began reading and tears ran down his cheeks. By the end of the verse he couldn't stop us tears from becoming as a waterfall. The spirit of The Lord was so strong in that room. My heart was bursting. 

As soon as Craig could speak again he looked me in the eye and said, "how'd you know that was my favorite scripture?" My reply, "I didn't know, but it seems like God knew it and knew you needed to hear it." As tears now freely flew down all of our faces Craig began describing why that scripture was his favorite and so close to his heart. He wanted to be 'snatched' from the devil. He wanted to be free of his sins. He felt hopelessly lost and inadequate so he didn't pray. He was afraid. 

We taught God's love for him. He was a son of God!!! And God wants to forgive him of his sins and 'snatch' him from his horrible situation in life. That afternoon was one of the most spiritual lessons I had had. 

We taught him a few times after that. Craig introduced me to Moxie, a drink typically found in Maine. He always put his shirt on when he saw us coming, and promptly took it off when we left. 

Those were good times in the small congregation in Maine:) 

An Enlightening Weekend

This weekend was enlightening on two fronts: spiritual and physical. Let's begin with the spiritual side of things-- General Conference. 10 hours jam packed full of spiritual guidance and uplifting talks by the living Prophet of God and The Lord's servants and Apostles. Best Ever!

I have been looking forward to this weekend for a while! I asked my Dad to try and get me tickets to actually be seated in the conference center during one of the sessions.  But there weren't any tickets available for me and my three siblings. This is where God intervened and orchestrated several miracles. My roommate ended up not needing or being able to use four tickets to the Saturday Afternoon session. That's just enough tickets for me and my three siblings that we're going to be together. She gave me the tickets!! We scrambled to dress in our Sunday best and headed out the door to the conference center. As we were leaving I ran into a neighbor that was in need of a ride to the conference center. We had one seat left! She joined us and it was so great!!!! Such a tender mercy for all of us:) AND while we were waiting to get in the doors we ran into my uncle! Hadn't seen him in years. Isn't The Lord great?!!

Second is the physical side. I decided since my family was around I wasn't going to be much of a stickler with eating super healthy. I indulged in a milk shake, burgers, ton of breads, and not enough water. As a result my body revolted. Not right away though. I was losing energy at a steady rate and my body was getting sluggish. By Sunday night I am whooped. And I haven't done much other than watch Conference! Usually this would frustrate me, but I know the cause and it's alright. I will readjust my eating habits and gain more energy over the next few days. This is a huge blessing because in a few weeks I'll be with a lot of family and friends for Thanksgiving week and will need to be vigilant with obeying the laws of health for my body to have enough energy!! I thank my God for helping me realize my sensitivity to varying my eating habits now instead of then! It could've been disastrous if I didn't find out before that week. 

'Melting'

I started melting today. At least that's what I call it: 'melting'. My body weakens. My joints ache. My mind blurs. And my energy is zapped away little by little. I close my eyes (because I'm blinking) and it takes real effort to reopen them. And even more effort to focus on anything.

If I catch myself beginning to melt I immediately sit down if I'm not already. I learned this, by trial and error, earlier this semester of school. I thought I was just light headed and could just 'push through it' and walk to class no problem. Well. I made it to the classroom fine. But not to my seat. I fainted.  On the stairs in the stadium-like-seating in my classroom. One word to sum up that experience: EMBARRASSING. 

The scene of the incident. 

It was only for a moment and I was even able to catch myself before I face planted it on the stairs below me. But I was mortified. I think of all the things that could've happened! I could have blacked out for longer and face planted all the stairs on my way down. I could have gotten a concussion. I could've broken an arm or leg. What if this happened when and where there was no one else around? I could've sustained some serious injuries!! That night I thanked God that it wasn't a horrible outcome. And I'm now a lot more cautious when I get these 'melting' feelings. 

I sit until I have regained enough energy to make it to the next destination. Today I sat several times. But I didn't faint:) and I wasn't late to any classes or meetings for work. That's several blessings I'm thankful for today. And I got free pizza for dinner. That's always a plus too!! 

Reversed Homesickness

I want to be back in New England! When I was there I loathed the large amounts of snow and cold weather. I just saw a Doris Day movie with snow in it... I got super homesick for New England. There are beautiful colored leaves in the Fall and shimmering isicles hanging from the trees in the Winter. I'm pretty sure you can ask anyone that knows me and they'll tell you how much I hate the cold, but this time of year in New England is my favorite. My heart is yearning to be there!!

I would think I should be normal and yearn for my real home down in Texas, but instead I'm yearning for the country I spent a year and a half in. A place I never stayed very long in one home. I want so very much to back and visit. Maybe even live there. Today I miss it terribly. 

Well. I just spent time outside. It's chilly. In the 40's. I was freezing!!!!! And so I'm reminded that I dislike the cold and should be happy where I'm at!

This is the mountain I live next to... Snow on it already. Icky. Haha, I should go shopping for cute winter clothes:)

Remembering who I am

I've been thinking about the time I spent on my mission lately. All my companions I spent 24/7 with. The companions I became best friends with. The companions I struggled to get along with. The people I spent hours with teaching them about Jesus Christ and the love He has for each of us. The service projects I did at the soup kitchens, the libraries, hurricane clean up, individuals homes and random acts of kindness.

Now I'm reflecting on my life right now and wondering if I'm doing good works still. Maybe this is just because I'm a girl, but I'm wondering if I'm good enough, because I'm not doing as much good. I'm wondering what I'm worth now that I'm not a missionary. As a missionary I did so much good it was easy to see myself as important and needed, but now it's harder. I am not serving The Lord 100% of the time, like I did on the mission. I get down in the dumps, emotionally. Then I'm reminded by the sweet spirit of The Lord that I am worth it. Christ suffered and died so I can live now and return to live with my Father in Heaven after this life. What a sweet reminder! I love Jesus Christ so much! I love my Father in Heaven so much!!

Every time I feel down, I know where I can turn to find peace and joy: through prayer and scripture study to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Even though I'm not serving 100% of the time I still look out for opportunities to share the sweet teachings, or doctrines, of Christ with others. I love my roommates and serve them by doing the dishes, picking up the apartment, making their bed, fixing them a meal, or being a friendly ear to listen or a shoulder to lean on. 

God reminds me it's good to serve others and love one another, but that I am worth it simply because I'm His daughter. I am a daughter of God. Just like you are a son or daughter of the Most High God. He loves each of us a ton!! He delights in our righteousness and sorrows in our sinning. There is no difference in worth between me now and when I was a missionary. I'm still His daughter. I'm still good. :) 

This understanding took a long time for me to get at. Questioning our worth is a normal thing. BUT denying ourselves the love and worth that God bestows to us is bad. Remembering who I am, that I am a daughter of God helps me on those rough days:) 

Before I would leave the house as a young girl my father always would say, "remember who you are." At the time I new my family name and what it meant to our family. I couldn't disgrace it! I was also my father's daughter and he loved me deeply and didn't want me getting into trouble, and I didn't want to disappoint him. And I also know I'm a daughter of God. So I need to act as such, with love and humility. This reminder helps me to turn to my God to receive the peace and comfort I need. 

It is so great!! I know who I am!!! I know why I'm here on this Earth. I know where I'm going after this life. All because of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. 

Waiting for the Sand Man

I'm tired. My shoulders ache. My hands hurt to type. But my body won't let me sleep yet. I have to let my body dictate my schedule. Sometimes I'm up all night, sometimes I'm sleeping for 13+ hours a night it just depends. I haven't figured out what influences my sleep schedule yet.

Today was such a good day though.  I've made sure to rearrange my schedule so that I have my college classes and work in the early afternoon and evening when I'm most awake and capable of learning. So I'm able to sleep in until 9:30am most days. Then I roll out of bed and say my morning prayers thanking my Heavenly Father I was able to wake up and move my body that morning.

I didn't used to be able to move my body when I woke up in the mornings. The last transfer of my mission I pushed myself to get out if bed every morning at 6:30am, then excersize for a half hour. My excersize turned into laying on my back with my knees propped up like I was doing sit ups. But I wasn't even able to lift my head up more than once or twice. When I first got home I would wake up around 7am and lay in bed for several hours unable to move my body to kneel for my morning prayers. I would be in and out of consciousness 'till about noon or 1pm when my body was able to move enough to get me to the bathroom to relieve myself and to the kitchen to eat a very late breakfast. Then the couch became my best friend until I could move back to my bed to begin sleeping for the next night. 

So I think of how far I've come since then!! I can get out of my bed before 10am! I'm succeeding. My definition of success has been revised by God. I am not the superwoman I once was. But, dang, I'm good! Many people with my same deck of cards would still be in bed. I guess it can be argued that I'm Wonder Woman:) 

I can feel my body accepting sleepiness now. Time for bed.